I have so many things that I need to be doing and I find myself at 4 am wishing to find some way to blot out the enormity of it all. Sometimes I feel as if my life is strangling all the creativity and goodness out of me. I would like to say that I am more the optimist and look at life as if the glass were half full, but lately I don't think that would be the direction my thoughts take. What I mean to say is that I am more on the offense than I have ever been in my life. I feel most anxiety bases itself around the assumption that for every good thing I accomplish, there is an epic failure waiting patiently to manifest itself directly in the path of my self proclaimed happiness. I resent this. I feel so much pressure of this enormous responsibility I willingly embrace as my day to day life. I want to do so many good things. I have miles of ideas that seem to be swallowed up by the dutifulness of responsibility. I wish I could just tell the entire world to go fuck off for just a few days and turn itself without me. Which means, why must I be responsible for everything and why do I give a damn about things that WILL NOT HAPPEN unless I do them? Where is the happiness in that? I don't know and I'm losing patience with myself because multitasking has redefined itself for me. All it means is doing ten things half-assed until I get time to do it right and that is redundant and idiotic. Something has got to give and I am feeling as if I should hold out a cup and stand on corners and shake it. Alas pride and duty doesn't allow for such paltry sacrifices of dignity, but occasionally at 4 am, I wish I were that shameless.
So I will leave now because I must get back to answering emails, paying bills, sorting out my computer issues and praying I won't fold under pressure of dance tomorrow. I've been asked to choose music that defines me and the disco ball that is me feels this task is impossible. Ask for the moon instead. I might be able to achieve that. It feels more attainable than finding my alter ego. I want to ask the dance teacher.... which one do you want?
