Spider Mafia

I do believe spiders have a bounty on my head.  I was in my daughter's bedroom sorting a pile of assorted kid stuff.  The dirty clothes and clean mixed with shoes and a healthy spattering of random crap hid a large spider from detection.  Said spider made his presence known by falling out of a shoe and onto my hand.  My home is pretty soundproof.. but my husband came running down the hall in response to the red alert scream I let fly.  All I could do is sit there with a shoe in each hand screaming and praying the bitch didn't move.

Husband crushed the enemy and I flung shoe across room in frustration.  Spiders and thier destruction are a part of my marital agreement.  Boogers. Blood. Dinner.  Laundry.  Yes.  Bugs.  NO WAY.

Surfacing

I spoke with a 26 year old stranger that used to galvanize many of my life decisions.  It bothers me to feel distaste when thinking of my youngest sister in this manner.  I listen as my fish tank hums and my dog softly snores and crickets chirp in chorus.  I am restless to pin a label on my feelings.  Am I deflated?  Depressed?  Sad? Nope.

I believe I feel my age.  Translated: Perception.  Realization: I should market the theme of 'People are not Projects'.

Amazingly enough, my ideas on people have been restructured due to experience.  People have no problem throwing a person under the bus.  I hate to keep using sayings and analogies, but even here, the threat of specific use is potentially damaging.

Oh Hell.  Since when did I become assimilated?  (we pause now for my head to hit the reality airbag)

Good thing we all wear a seat belt.. because we want the damn car to shut the hell up.  Errr.

Where was I?  Sister.  Yeah well, the fact she's a shithead has not changed.  What has surfaced as new data would be pride in association.

Actual Coversation:
Sister:  I keep waiting on the other shoe to fall.
Me:  (rolling eyes) It rains shoes here.
Sister: I like that, I'll have to use it.
Me:  Apply for trademark.

It was Not Itsy Bitsy

I believe my blood pressure has returned to normal.  At least I think so.  I just went out onto my back deck about an hour ago... but then just ten minutes ago.. I flipped on the light switch... and about stepped face first into an enormous spider web.  Holy ....SHiiiiiiiTTTT!!! was all I could say as I jumped back into my house with visions of legs scrambling over my head.  AHHHHHHHH!!!

My fearless husband comes to the door as I duck out freaking.

Enter flaming grill lighter.

My hero.

Laughing his ass off at me.

Art

So I have a poster of a rock star posing nude with someone covering the gems.  I had to point out to my kid that he wasn't naked.  Non-plussed, she looks at me and says in an exasperated tone: MOM.  I giggle and say 'See, there are hands covering him.'  She rolls her eyes and pointedly says in a tone that implicates 'are you blind mom?'.... says... THOSE ARE NOT HIS HANDS.

I almost died laughing.  Honestly though, I'm proud that my child has scruples and I must be doing something right.  She shrugs it off and leaves the room saying that he was cute, but stupid.

Oh I hope she stays this smart.

Ringing

I am awake because my ears are ringing; the phenomenon brought to light by my husband.  I didn't realize how much they did or how often until I asked John if he heard a noise.  My birthday is coming on the 5th and I think this is the year I stop aging.  I need to speak with whomever  is in charge of the aging committee.  I want the P.I.C. (people in charge) to produce my contract, because I want to see it and inspect the mice type.

I do not believe I should have to have a weird hair clause.  I am going to rally the public to rise against those who want slower metabolism with the onset of 40.  NO!  Why should I start worrying when the commercials for Poise's 2nd talk apply to me?  I am lost on the whole talk issue since technically, my parents did not participate in the concept of 'first talk'.  They obviously had a different contract agreement because response to me aging has been to negate responsibility.  My Mom needs to get that 2nd talk too.   Menopause hit her twenty years ago.  Ask my Dad.

*ha*

I just want all these 'joys' of wisdom to be expressed in epiphany only.  No more hair, mole or bowel changes thank you.