I Fell Asleep with Beats and Dr. Dre

How many lucky people get to say that?  Yeah, I fell asleep with my headphones on.. and it was a good night.  I should have them locked in my basement .. ahhhh... so the truth is out Eminem had first dibs ...

I digress.  So far, nothing disturbs the harmonious groove I have laid out for today.  I intend to keep the headphones on until housework magically disappears.  Then I plan on staking out the local Gamestop because I opened my email ... oh darn.  Birthdays and Christmas are my favorite holidays.

I am about to bust because I just want to play with everything with my child.

The PowerPoint presentation keeps me in check.

Stomping Foot over Understatement

Upon sharing goals and hopes with the real world, I want to burn the house down and run away screaming.. I know.. I know... dramatic.

However, its not every day morality patrol sits beside me and introduces the following reasons to lose a night of sleep:

1.  Yes, you've written so many things for me that I don't appreciate like you do.
2.  We just are not intellectually matched, but we are meant for one another
3.  Your extremes are just not ordinary, but they are you
4.  I can't tell you I mean, I don't know what to say
5.  No I'm not judging you, I'm just not like you

What the heck did that mean?

I am feel sensory deprived at the moment as I believe I have been told in summary:  No I don't listen to a damned thing you say, as it doesn't apply to me.

OK.

You stay here and I'll run and get help.

Let My...

Love Open the Door...

I savor the moments when I am full to bursting with passionate emotion.  My usual light hearted follies and/or sob stories simply serve to brush out irritating worries before I unconsciously add them to my formidable arsenal.  Right now, I am happy to inform my minions to enjoy the respite.  Last night was incredible .. I still have not fully digested that I captured a smidgen of my World Peace.  Thirty Eight seconds I want the world to witness.  As a rule: I don't put video out that belongs to me, it seems almost too personal.  I can only relate this feeling to my post about my husband.  Both moments were incredibly intense and beautiful - and opposite in appeal to the masses .. the message I put forth must be shared.  I love my family.  Shamelessly, and in my own words and my own deeds and even now typing this, I wonder at myself.  This is not opinion, nor boast, or rattling the social cup for society beggar coins or popularity's gold stars (or +1s).  It boils down to my basest belief in family and for all my laughter and stories and whines, my depth of character springs from the love of John and Nat.  So many things change in this world, and have warped mine but my family, these two people, I begin and end with them.  Accepting this as truth for myself is a revelation of spirit.  But mine.  Not God, but I'm grateful.  Grateful in the knowledge of my own free will, even though supposedly, he already knew I'd feel this way.

This attachment is a brief moment where singing off-key and camera movement come together harmoniously and capture me and my child loving one another spontaneously.  I had to sit down last night and watch this video about twenty times and cry because the little girl in that video loves me.  ME.  I won't go into the boring 'Oh My Amazing Child' ditty, because that would be cliche.  What I will share is this:  When she says I'm the best Mom in the world, I quip back: Nope, I'm just your Mommy.  I am perfect for you.  What is poignant to reflect upon incredulously reveals itself to be personal growth.  I am moving forward embracing deeper truth about myself.  So much unconscious insecurity that I'd be hard pressed to embrace without deep embarrassment or guilt... I have NO WORDS to describe that moment.  I processed:   Yes, saying I'm not the best is diplomatic in teaching humanity's pitfalls to my daughter and to cushion my own shortcomings I ..crap.. I thought the world could see me selfishly adhering to...  The I am perfect for you portion seems now congruous with accepting the grand compliment and not slighting her love for me, for her feelings and crap, rubbing my own face in my insecurity.  How profound.  Enough words, because this whole story took but a moment to feel.  I am aglow.  Right from the moment I put those things down to see ... so .. another moment and more ..YES, I AM PERFECT AT SOMETHING.  Perfect for my daughter.  And this is good.  So the moment has passed.

Love is not blind unless the lights go out or someone shuts their eyes.  I am content to say I am capable of both feats.

So profoundly I must also jump to another thread of thought.  This is Russel Fork weekend.  My heart is lighter because for some reason, I didn't worry about John.  I didn't lie awake last night and ponder all that could go wrong.  The night crept by and my thoughts were bent on expressing how good it feels to rejoice in self proclaimed happiness.  I'm here writing because thanking God, the PIC and my family simply was not good enough. 

Today I am happy, and I didn't mentally tell myself I was.  Late last night I came to the conclusion that I have fears and worries, but for now things can continue as they are.  I am not accepting things, getting over a damned thing, nor have I merely settled.  I saw in 38  seconds how my life truly is and it is not static, my little claim on the world is dynamic and ever moving and dancing.. opening the doors.. slamming them.. only to realize they banged so hard they stood wide open.... and those who love me, saw an opportunity and came inside. 

The only part of this video that belongs to someone else happens to be Pete Townsend of the Who.

Me List, You think Maybe... No Maybe some Other..

Some of my Rhyme and Reason

1. I have found that my parenting methods, when applied to adults, more often than not, leads to progress and/or solutions.
2.  Nelly is very smart.  Haters just CAN'T get past that.
3.  Pity is for people in other countries.
4.  My six year old has more personality than ... oh .. I forgot who it was I was referring to..
5.  I love my kid, but you can overdose on her.
6.  My favorite channel is OFF.
7.  I feel like the one always in charge of feeling ... unless there is booty involved .. and hello? 
8.  In profiles, where they ask what animal you would be, if you could be one, I always put weasel.  Everyone should put weasel.
9.  I call it like I see it, and there is no way she did NOT hear the paint can when she ran over it on my new asphalt...
10.  If my family suffers from deadly snake bites, I'm in trouble, as I threaten to hide them all over my home as no one looks for anything.  They just scream out my name and yadda yadda.
11.  I have a camel cricket mafia in the basement.  It competes with the wolf spiders and they have turf wars.  Extermination of all insects is covered by my marital contract.
12. If you suddenly feel curious, and that you have missed something in life... STOP... count to three.. and grow up... you were totally meant to miss it obviously.
13.  I love all things girlie and feel pretty girlie, but wonder what all the fuss is about when I fished the toad out of the pool.
14.  I cry.  Most of the time over things outside the realm of what people think I cry about.  This comes from age I believe.
15. I talk a bunch.  Not that it accomplishes much.. kinda like that whole one hand clapping riddle...
16.  Nope, I'm not sorry.  Really.
17.  I'm very lucky, and I know it, however, don't be a cliche parrot
18.  Yup, according to rumor a Harley, however, I think I like Rice Rockets because they have toe holds.
19.  Not on my watch.  I grew up with all the examples of what not to accept.
20.  Watch your tone, it says more than you know.
21.  I am all for personality, I find it more in public than in circles of people I know.
22.  I definitely do not judge unless I am qualified, and even then I have to be stumbling over harsh truth before I do so.
23.  I've been told I have too high of expectations. 
24,  Most people that preach 'get over it' or 'deal with it', or use those words after unloading on me ... I find to be douchebags.. as whatever malady I suffer from is forever eclipsed.. and I need to DEAL so we can get back to talking about ... douchebags.
25.  I'm pretty much late for everything because of all the minor deta ils.
26.  My Basement cave is not for you, its for me butthead, and just know that anyone hanging in it is breathing my air.
27.  I hate being told I was 'facebooked'.
28.  I totally love cartoons.
29.  My car's name is Betty.
30.  You know, people can't read minds so I tell them what I want, and that shocks most of them.
31.  what used to shock me is even knowing, like they care... crap, they might have to do something.

YES.. I AM A SUCCUBUS.. (sometimes)

once you pass the event horizon

you don't look so bad.....

a cha-cha

made you laugh.

more to come in the future.

I took an 8 ball.

Shook one.

Lingo Stigmata

I have noticed the words I have found myself stepping into, and realize I need a swift kick in the vocabulary.  It is a terrible waste to use such Cosmopolitain words as networking.  But to really unplug.. oh how about miscommunication?  What a whopper that says "I'm immature and will say anything to NOT be totally wrong!"

Play Date.  .. Oh we'll have a real one next time.

And I blush to admit, I love a quarter of their movies, but despise the channel: Disney.

I am putting some serious programming down... forget my foot... that's a lost cause.

Something new:  Tank sitter.

Heavens to Betsy....

I had to find someone with IQ.

Hard task

The worst word in the English Language today:  TRY

That's for men and Babies.

Families

I am in my daughter's room, laying on her princess bed realizing I spent over seven hours in her closet.  People don't understand my satisfaction in a job well done and every thing in its place... and how long its been since things have had a home.

You see, this place is all I have, and all I hold dear.  All chaos the world rains upon me finds shelter within this home.. and I find peace in each mated sock.  I have touched every inch of where I am, and can navigate these walls in the dark.. and find solace in that.

To have spent a life in disarray with no solid ground ... I can't control how I grew up... and the faces of people I don't know grow dim.

I paint a world for my child that begins here and now, and not by choice.  I can't make anyone love us though.

Family is a treasure that I do not share a past with.  All I have is now, and our future.  And I smile at my good fortune in knowing what is worth keeping.

New Thinking

Do you think its all been done and you can't add to it? I don't think so.

That would make one book's ideas on free will true.

There isn't any.

Clarity of Thought

I am in the middle of reading something that arrived at a time when having my subconsious revealed grates upon the ego.  It feels like being stabbed with a spoon.

And then there's that whole idealistic view of Titanic's main theme.  Well it doesn't go on and on and I wasn't ready for that bubble to be burst.

So now its, use what you have, and quickly man.

Crap Nuggets.

Upon Opening the Table of Contents

I almost slammed the book shut because table of contents was the metaphysical 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High' brought to life live and updated with the minions I associate with.  I just paused to read my opening statement and I realize that most of my entries are rant sessions.  I must brush up on my presentation skills because i am sure there are more ways to talk about issues I find relevant than to begin with a session of either bitching or whining. 

The more I get int this self critique, more point of simply being a social product pour out and I KNOW I don't have made in China tattooed on me.  (I will say that I have under duress spun the tale that I really am Chinese and was adopted by cruel parents who made me undergo plastic surgery to appear American ... in an effort to say I'd like to be anybody's Kid but CJs.

But I'm rambling because it is three am and I have some records to listen to in the background.. I found a treasure trove at a thrift store yesterday.  I am currently in my LAIR because I will fiddle with the fish tank if I am in the same room.

I should be sleeping.  Miraculously, I am tired, and I think I'll crawl into my nest under the stairs in a little bit.

Oh to really confuse people, I think the acupuncture is working, but I need osmosis to reinvent its rules to include bi proxy sink in for my husband.

And to make that statement clear:  John is an amazing person. A good father and provider.  I am so lucky to have such  wonderful life and to have my little corner in the world. I am very spoiled.  You know that I'd do most anything for my family and to assure they have every need met.  Wherein lies my problem.  Sometimes we forget to take the chances we did dating.

I miss my boyfriend. LOL*

Something Close to Nothing, just ask Prince, he can fill in the gaps

Upon second thought, there is a place no one should leave through the in door.  It is geographically located on Highway 68, and is the Highway Entrance to Taco Bell/Pizza Hut right before I-40.  Oh sure, absolutely ENTER to purchase junk food, but NEVER leave thinking to avoid a light.  If you need proof, please go try it.  Then use my number system to cuss me out.  Option three is the best:  call my parental units for customer service and have fun with that.

Alright, today started out really shitty, then the miracle of Dr. Mu, goddess of the needles set to work and right now, I want to do that cool NFL dance and slam some pig skin down on a manicured football field.  After the initial feeling of utter drainage wears off, my body simply rejoices!  I cannot tell a person enough that answers to most any ill or negativity really can be managed and sometimes cured with your own mind and body.  I have realized I simply need the correct person to set me on that path to seeing that Hey, the forest is just fine, but you know, why don't you just be the Tree?  That translates into:  focus on inside yourself and the answers can be located in the positive aspects of just being a tree.  Forest be damned. 

I can picture my voodoo doctor right now telling me that this feeling is mania.  Thank Dr. K, I really am so grateful to know happiness is actually mania.  I bet there's pill for that, didn't one of your assistants say so?  Oh, I know, that's just plain cynical, because in fact, yesterday I did see Dr. K, Voodoo lady, and it turns out we had a really good session because I decided to start taking more control by expressing myself.  Behold the light of language, for once in a very long time, I believe she earned the ridiculous amount she costs.  Trying to get me to see her partner lost some brownie points because the bondage of Hipaa wouldn't apply here, since my files are conveniently in the same office, and on principle, I'm against that.  Plus, my inner me does not want my psychologist sharing rental space with my voodoo lady.  I might come up over the watering hole, and somehow Hipaa again would be forgotten and I'd never know.  That feels like a wedgie of the worst kind... one everyone but me would see.. oh but I would feel and not have any way to dislodge that from my ass.  What a horrible mental picture.  Let me get back to Dr. K on a better note.. I might start calling her a Doctor if she keeps this positive going.  However, I'm hoping that acupuncture will dispel my needs for her services at some point.  I am not hugging trees or wearing those detestable shoes, but I prefer a holistic approach to the temple of my body and mind.  I don't know if this has evolved from age or I fell and cracked my head, but experience with the world of doctors leads me to believe the truth is out there.  Truth in common language that can be afforded by all, and Obama didn't subsidize any part of it.  This is my utopia, OK people, so I may be all sides of the fence, but please don't lecture me on politics because of a small joke.

Seventeen minutes ago was a good day.  Today is beginning to look good too.  I hope everyone I care about has a great day too, because I love them.

Between the Lines

I posted the following in my notes on Facebook and since everyone steals anything anyone has written and Between the Lines has so many different interpretations to me I thought my latest addition to my frothing of the mouth should start here....
Epiphany # 812,112,125.025
I want world peace and its easy when your world is the combination of two buildings.  I need to practice that special wave pageant winners lavish upon the crowds.
.026
People are who they are is what they say. Who the hell are they then?
.027
Accepting things I cannot change I feel is a misnomer. For example, a twenty.  Well, no, not right this moment, but later after I buy some starburst, "change"
.028
I cannot change the boooo-shaaa in the Girl Power Handshake to Fuck Em Too..
.029
I don't think anyone will believe my newest family story: the one where I was actually born in China and had cosmetic surgery to look American.
.30
Be careful when dumping your kid's room in the middle of the floor, you might not see your reflection in nearby mirrors.. proving you are morphing into your mother.... nightmare

OK, that's neatly put:  Faye ATE A SHIT SANDWICH and oh yes, we'd love a line longer than our leg, but we grew out of that and became socialized and grown up.

I said somewhere my family was no picnic. Guess what? I want to really mail a huge box of things I hate to my mom that includes the ugliest dishes known to man (which I shall break and shit upon), that ornament that looks like some kid decorated it, a rabbit ripped to shreds, lime green fuzzy dice and for sure a souped up copy of my biological unit complete with horns and tail and a huge fuck you written on it.  Is this very grown up? NO. Do I care No.

Will I do this? No.  I would not waste the postage on anything but maybe sending her a shit I took, but that's just cheap, and since I seem to be made of the green stuff, I would have to drink alot of grape soda to get a lime green shit for her...

I am losing brain cells by this digression.

I am just mad. I had to be honest with my now six year old as to why I cried all day long. I let her hear the message my Dad left on my phone.  I watched two big tears roll down her face as comprehension of the fact that he didn't love me (pretty much) sunk in before he finished talking.  She looked at me and shakily said that she didn't love anyone who didn't love her Mommy.  I snatched up my child and swung her into the air and told her that story about rubber and glue and inside realized how lucky I am. I will somehow let him know she heard it from his lips, and he can take his ass down the road (indirect quote)

All it took for my Dad to tell me get out of his life was my mom and a hammer.  You know what I realized, this goes beyond having no balls.  No, it delves into the realization he is a soulless man.  That made me all scared inside and the adrenals pumped thinking I escaped having my soul sucked out of me by my mother.  I thought pity was reserved for people in other countries, well Thomasville is another country I guess.  I know it seems so very harsh, but I love my parents, but they are these things.  One soulless, the other a soul eater... which in other cultures are feared above all else.  He went from demanding a picture a day to telling me I was not splitting up him and mom.  What the FUCK? Since when did I go from daughter to competition? You things are sick fuckers.  Today I quietly turned off the phone and took him off my credit card.  There is no one on this planet worth trusting other than the cat, and that's only marginally because you know they piss in every plant, chew open the bread and tell the neighbors plainly they are starving.

On another note, I will have Big Magic back on Tuesday.  This being my desktop and world.  I really made the computer guy's butt suck upholstery as I calmly told him that porn is no problem, he missed out on the saga of Down and Out with Maleficent: Her theories on Sharing. Without batting an eye I explained everything from the peon computer guy that I caught turning on my webcams to my husband's texting escapades, how boots don't cover this shit, that I wear waders, and pretty much don't fuck with me because well, I own this goddamned world and am more than good to it. After thought processes cooled, I emailed him and said find me software and relax, I never look for trouble, it finds me.  Like static cling.  Honestly, my husband and his follies are something that needed to be addressed before this whole marriage gig stayed a true band.  No Van Halen here, you know?  I totally understood the whole thing, however, it doesn't change the fact that I'm not stupid either and I believe he counted on the fact I was polite.  He forgot I'm a fucking lady.  In a nutshell, the only thing I really don't  operate well with is someone trying to sell me something I don't want. I didn't marry an idiot, nor Satan. I married my male half, I know exactly how smart he can be. I told him don't play with fire, he'd get pink elephants on parade picture mailed to him six months after the fact with the title: Top that Asshole.

We agreed that hawking should be done together, since we're both pretty damned good at it.

That makes me smile. This rant isn't about being mad at him, he's the greatest, and that seems so vanilla at the moment.  I am glad that today the doghouse only includes my parents and God.