My Doctor the Pirate: Swabbing

So I was supposed to headed to Bryson City this weekend, but complications with me as a 'system' decided otherwise for me.

I can't say that I'm too terribly upset.. I have the whole house to myself for a couple of days.  MAKE a note of it because I rarely have this event.

However, having issues that cramp my lifestyle on other levels made me stay home and take the high road to the doctor.

Providence would have it that I was able to see my actual doctor and not settle for someone else in the practice.  I would have gone to the weekend walk in clinic they offer before seeing a particular worm today.

Anyway, my doctor specializes in women's studies, so not only is he my family doctor, but my OB as well.  I was sick a couple of weeks ago and he prescribed some new allergy medicine along with heavy antibiotics.

Long story short, the side effects from the new nasal treatment he gave me were not cool.  No one likes to wake up with serial killer pillow.  I did.  Twice.  Freak out and panic at the disco.  That stuff literally dried me up so bad my nose bled in my sleep.

Then there's yeast.  OMG.  Nothing cramps a love life like feeling like you might just levitate spontaneously at any moment.  And the thing was, I had Diflucan (grease cramps one's style too) and that didn't seem to help anything.

I woke up this morning with a fever, a knot in my neck and swallowing was agony.  I freaked out praying I didn't have thrush.

You might be thinking drama queen, but anything that sets off my body's pH .. leads to some sort of bodily reaction.  I can't be too careful with anything.  So I eat a lot of yogurt and usually life is good.

Getting to the point, I went in and for the second time on record, actually registered a fever (which I never do).

Doctor decides to test me for strep, thrush and my OB concerns.  He comes back with the nurse my husband is scared of (lol, she stinks at drawing blood)... anyway...

He became a pirate when he did the 'Slide to the end of the table' routine and his nurse told me to open wide.  People, no one should have to have a swab in two orifices at once.  So here I am gagging for the nurse while the Captain and his swab are below deck.

Ten minutes later he says:  No yeast.  No bacteria.  No strep.  But just in case, he's a week of fluconazole.  Stop taking the nasal spray.  You probably have a viral infection and should feel better in a couple of days, so take it easy.

Arrrrrg Mr. Captain.

ME:  "I hate you!"

Doctor:  "I'm sorry" (red faced and eyes twinkling)

ME:  "NO YOU ARE NOT!!!"

I could hear his laughter all the way in reception.