Love Open the Door...
I savor the moments when I am full to bursting with passionate emotion. My usual light hearted follies and/or sob stories simply serve to brush out irritating worries before I unconsciously add them to my formidable arsenal. Right now, I am happy to inform my minions to enjoy the respite. Last night was incredible .. I still have not fully digested that I captured a smidgen of my World Peace. Thirty Eight seconds I want the world to witness. As a rule: I don't put video out that belongs to me, it seems almost too personal. I can only relate this feeling to my post about my husband. Both moments were incredibly intense and beautiful - and opposite in appeal to the masses .. the message I put forth must be shared. I love my family. Shamelessly, and in my own words and my own deeds and even now typing this, I wonder at myself. This is not opinion, nor boast, or rattling the social cup for society beggar coins or popularity's gold stars (or +1s). It boils down to my basest belief in family and for all my laughter and stories and whines, my depth of character springs from the love of John and Nat. So many things change in this world, and have warped mine but my family, these two people, I begin and end with them. Accepting this as truth for myself is a revelation of spirit. But mine. Not God, but I'm grateful. Grateful in the knowledge of my own free will, even though supposedly, he already knew I'd feel this way.
This attachment is a brief moment where singing off-key and camera movement come together harmoniously and capture me and my child loving one another spontaneously. I had to sit down last night and watch this video about twenty times and cry because the little girl in that video loves me. ME. I won't go into the boring 'Oh My Amazing Child' ditty, because that would be cliche. What I will share is this: When she says I'm the best Mom in the world, I quip back: Nope, I'm just your Mommy. I am perfect for you. What is poignant to reflect upon incredulously reveals itself to be personal growth. I am moving forward embracing deeper truth about myself. So much unconscious insecurity that I'd be hard pressed to embrace without deep embarrassment or guilt... I have NO WORDS to describe that moment. I processed: Yes, saying I'm not the best is diplomatic in teaching humanity's pitfalls to my daughter and to cushion my own shortcomings I ..crap.. I thought the world could see me selfishly adhering to... The I am perfect for you portion seems now congruous with accepting the grand compliment and not slighting her love for me, for her feelings and crap, rubbing my own face in my insecurity. How profound. Enough words, because this whole story took but a moment to feel. I am aglow. Right from the moment I put those things down to see ... so .. another moment and more ..YES, I AM PERFECT AT SOMETHING. Perfect for my daughter. And this is good. So the moment has passed.
Love is not blind unless the lights go out or someone shuts their eyes. I am content to say I am capable of both feats.
So profoundly I must also jump to another thread of thought. This is Russel Fork weekend. My heart is lighter because for some reason, I didn't worry about John. I didn't lie awake last night and ponder all that could go wrong. The night crept by and my thoughts were bent on expressing how good it feels to rejoice in self proclaimed happiness. I'm here writing because thanking God, the PIC and my family simply was not good enough.
Today I am happy, and I didn't mentally tell myself I was. Late last night I came to the conclusion that I have fears and worries, but for now things can continue as they are. I am not accepting things, getting over a damned thing, nor have I merely settled. I saw in 38 seconds how my life truly is and it is not static, my little claim on the world is dynamic and ever moving and dancing.. opening the doors.. slamming them.. only to realize they banged so hard they stood wide open.... and those who love me, saw an opportunity and came inside.
The only part of this video that belongs to someone else happens to be Pete Townsend of the Who.
I savor the moments when I am full to bursting with passionate emotion. My usual light hearted follies and/or sob stories simply serve to brush out irritating worries before I unconsciously add them to my formidable arsenal. Right now, I am happy to inform my minions to enjoy the respite. Last night was incredible .. I still have not fully digested that I captured a smidgen of my World Peace. Thirty Eight seconds I want the world to witness. As a rule: I don't put video out that belongs to me, it seems almost too personal. I can only relate this feeling to my post about my husband. Both moments were incredibly intense and beautiful - and opposite in appeal to the masses .. the message I put forth must be shared. I love my family. Shamelessly, and in my own words and my own deeds and even now typing this, I wonder at myself. This is not opinion, nor boast, or rattling the social cup for society beggar coins or popularity's gold stars (or +1s). It boils down to my basest belief in family and for all my laughter and stories and whines, my depth of character springs from the love of John and Nat. So many things change in this world, and have warped mine but my family, these two people, I begin and end with them. Accepting this as truth for myself is a revelation of spirit. But mine. Not God, but I'm grateful. Grateful in the knowledge of my own free will, even though supposedly, he already knew I'd feel this way.
This attachment is a brief moment where singing off-key and camera movement come together harmoniously and capture me and my child loving one another spontaneously. I had to sit down last night and watch this video about twenty times and cry because the little girl in that video loves me. ME. I won't go into the boring 'Oh My Amazing Child' ditty, because that would be cliche. What I will share is this: When she says I'm the best Mom in the world, I quip back: Nope, I'm just your Mommy. I am perfect for you. What is poignant to reflect upon incredulously reveals itself to be personal growth. I am moving forward embracing deeper truth about myself. So much unconscious insecurity that I'd be hard pressed to embrace without deep embarrassment or guilt... I have NO WORDS to describe that moment. I processed: Yes, saying I'm not the best is diplomatic in teaching humanity's pitfalls to my daughter and to cushion my own shortcomings I ..crap.. I thought the world could see me selfishly adhering to... The I am perfect for you portion seems now congruous with accepting the grand compliment and not slighting her love for me, for her feelings and crap, rubbing my own face in my insecurity. How profound. Enough words, because this whole story took but a moment to feel. I am aglow. Right from the moment I put those things down to see ... so .. another moment and more ..YES, I AM PERFECT AT SOMETHING. Perfect for my daughter. And this is good. So the moment has passed.
Love is not blind unless the lights go out or someone shuts their eyes. I am content to say I am capable of both feats.
So profoundly I must also jump to another thread of thought. This is Russel Fork weekend. My heart is lighter because for some reason, I didn't worry about John. I didn't lie awake last night and ponder all that could go wrong. The night crept by and my thoughts were bent on expressing how good it feels to rejoice in self proclaimed happiness. I'm here writing because thanking God, the PIC and my family simply was not good enough.
Today I am happy, and I didn't mentally tell myself I was. Late last night I came to the conclusion that I have fears and worries, but for now things can continue as they are. I am not accepting things, getting over a damned thing, nor have I merely settled. I saw in 38 seconds how my life truly is and it is not static, my little claim on the world is dynamic and ever moving and dancing.. opening the doors.. slamming them.. only to realize they banged so hard they stood wide open.... and those who love me, saw an opportunity and came inside.
The only part of this video that belongs to someone else happens to be Pete Townsend of the Who.
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