Al: Movie

I  just finished  watching  Avengers : Age of Ultron. I guess  you  just can't  unlearn  things. The  movie  gave me chill bumps.  A I deciding the fate  of  the  world. I got the chills.

Relevant  to this day and  age.

I Called Romania

The title definitely reels a person in, huh?  I called Romania.  Actually I called my cell phone provider and BAM, I found personality on the other end of the phone.  I had an amazing conversation that encompassed everything from family, society, beliefs and of course, cell phones.

This picture was clipped from Google Maps.

This person really did make me realize how crucial one conversation can be, no matter how the chance arises.  Crucial?  I know it sounds weird, but I needed something that made the world shiny in terms of good people. This person exceptionally was exactly that: a good person.  I have a happy heart with a better outlook than I did yesterday.  As incredulous as it seems, I am a believer in everyday happiness being a choice, but people Do and Can enhance the experience.

For a little while, the concept of global networking came together and didn't seem so damnable or nefarious in purpose.  Experiencing the bright and shiny and knowing it wasn't a veneer gives me hope.  I'm not some strange bug.  I'm not the normal, but not the strange either.  That felt very nice and comfortable.  It felt Happy.

It doesn't take much to turn the mundane into profound.  I hope I hear from Romania again, but if I don't, I'm still grateful for the soul food.

Readers, if you're wondering about the small points, I chose to leave out which cell phone carrier, whether the person was male/female and conversation snippets.  The point isn't about those things.

Googling Romania at 3:00 am with a big smile is the point.  

Static Cling of Nosiness

I have not written deep relevant thoughts and I need to just admit I know why for my own reasons.  Analytics and Twitter reveal some static cling and this bothers me to an extent.

OK, that was a huge lie, it offends every little particle of my being, and too many immature ideas have been flying around inside my head.  It is so hard to not break down and just start letting my inner asshole take over to compensate for a silence I have too long held.

This is the part where I am asking myself to breathe in and out and just be calm.  Oh Fuck that.  There is something so wrong with the world, yes, indeed so wrong with the world that when it affects the spin of mine, I get mad.  That's the deal, I literally have paced the walls of my inner self and I see things that I can not change.  Then I see the glaring things that bother me because I can do something. What does all this mean? One more item checked off the definition of Grown Up.  I make one huge self discovery that I wish I could take back.  Part of being mature and grown up is knowing this:  Hey, I get hurt a bunch. Ouch. That's scary.  Maybe I shouldn't be so.. me. Ouch, That's scary.  I like me.  Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

More Internal Monologue:
This is my blog.  I write here.  I don't have to worry about people's feelings here.  Shit I totally have.  I have a bunch of noteworthy life events to write about and I didn't type ANYTHING.  I was afraid of WRITING, Shit! Letting that soak in really Blows!  I need to slap myself or at least check my own pulse.  Who cares about the people that see this or find it.  Is this for them? NO.  That said, those who read my blog and find me interesting, thanks.  For those keeping tabs, here's my acknowledgement.  Whether good or bad, a 'hello' or 'fuck you' would have been food for thought or expansion.  All my own thoughts stay mostly under my cap, but its a slippery slope.  I guess I could change things, but I don't want to, other than to point out it's kind of tacky.  On the flip side of this seeming rant, I would be happy to say hello, long time, no see... I also would give me a lot of joy, because lighting candles that get blown out is exhausting.

I know that the above seems rather touchy and cryptic.  It's my life.  I can say it however... but I don't always feel the same at any given time.  The only thing that gets under my skin is the big NOTHING.

Say something, say hello and figure out what it is you want to know or ask.  Get to your point.  Let me get to my pointiness and round out my edges.  Don't get defensive.

Don't get defensive, hum, a couple of years ago, probably 100% true about me.  These days, I'm thinking.. territorial with a bit of defensiveness .. old mechanisms are difficult to put aside.

Then again, I'm the same and different.  Are you?

(The teal print is me being lazy about punctuation and inner monologuing)

Hold Up: Time Out

Has anyone else noticed a few things that call for an official time out? I'm talking about the kind of time out with whistles, hand signals and where people should actually freeze because a distraction like breathing could end the world? Yeah, did you at least slow down if you were walking?

Nope I didn't either.  Mostly because I don't watch sports, and couldn't reproduce all the hoopla involved with a time-out.  I don't know what a first down actually involves other than football.  I know too many people are wincing because I openly admit this lack of knowledge .. or information I refuse to remember.

Where was I going with this?

Time-Out.  I thought the idea was to have a lifetime to contemplate the meaning of it all.  Lifetime meaning:  I live a long time and then die.  I am supposed to have menopause first.  Hold up people.  I know the truth hurts, but my head?  Chop Chop!?

I didn't even know this ride was here.  Are we there yet?

Hello, I'd like to ask for a moment to ask myself:  What do I believe?

The Truth of Me: Searching for Answers

The Internet caught me by surprise, in the most visceral way.  You see, I have this character flaw I must somehow overcome.  In times of emotional crisis I tend to ignore the safety guidelines and punch the OFF button, instead of shutdown.  It has taken me awhile to realize how I rationalize what I'm doing.  I am rationalizing being afraid.  Instead of finding a different way to deal with life, I shut off things that hurt too much.  Then sit back and let my fear and imagination run away with me. Then when the agony of curiosity is too much to bear, I switch it all back on and endure the bombardment of everything I missed all at once.  It's not a great system, and I should stop it.  Somehow hitting that off button is so much easier than seeing it day to day.

Wow that sounds great in writing. Actually, the above paragraph doesn't even cover it. Each sentence actually contains a dizzying amount of buried anger, hurt, shame, fear, loneliness, love, hate, laughter, concern, self righteousness, vanity, courage, lies, sarcasm, wishes, dreams, loathing, desire, dreams all wanting a way to express actual truth.  The truth of me.

The truth of me. I ponder whether I will ever find this fully.  I have researched incessantly how to find this.  I already know I'm my own worst enemy.  My own mind will try to keep me from knowing.  The rest of the world is there to ensure that I accept I'll never know.  It is everywhere.  A trickle down process all designed for me to feel utterly helpless and alone and ignorant.

I find the whole concept repugnant.  There are books.  There is the Internet.  People can help.  There have to be resources, right?  Truthful places.  Yes.  There are, but none that tell the truth of me.  God is supposed to know.

I ask him about that a lot.  His silence helps further self doubt agendas.

I think God is silent because maybe I haven't asked the right question.  Or quite possibly the idea that he has been here the whole time is true, except I have grown numb to things outside of sight and sound.

I have had dreams. Epic dreams and I know somehow God is the source of them (Some of them at least).  He has my truth, safe and sound.  The reason I can't figure it out with my waking rational mind is simply because he finds that part of me so tiresome.

Hey, it's all I can come up with.  Dreams are where I'll find the answer.  Not because of some mystic mumbo-jumbo, but because I let God be real in there.  It makes so much sense that I want to cry.  Talking to God and knowing myself is as simple as taking a nap, or going to bed on time.  The thing is, I think I remember more of my dreams because I watch less TV.  The moment I allow myself to stay up all night I don't remember dreaming.

Maybe I'm alone in thinking like this.  So many things in this world says God is there when you invite him in.  I believe he's there and he stays when the rest of the world is prevented from shutting your abilities to hear and believe.

The true me?  She dreams at night.  She sees the day and lately it scares her.  It has become so real that it blots out sleeping.  Why?  So I can't get back to knowing right and wrong, real and fake and numb and cold.